Mr J, our correspondent from the US of A, explains what's what in the race for the White House:

It seems as if everyone in the world is watching the American Presidential election. It's become the biggest most expensive and highest rated reality TV show in history.

It all came to crystal clarity just how important this election is to the rest of the world as I was sitting in a bar with a lady friend, a platonic friend mind you. As she's quite the looker it was no surprise when a randy Englishman, who was old enough to be my grandfather's younger brother, proceeded to chat up my non-date.

As the old man, let's call him "Randy", held court with my non-date while I received sympathetic looks from the wait staff, I couldn't help but marvel at how well versed he was with American politics - and how he missed many of the subtle nuances. I know what you're thinking: American and subtle is like Merlot and Ice, it just doesn't go together. Believe me we can be subtle. So let's talk details and get a better understanding of what's going on here in the States.

The Electoral College: this is what balances the importance of States and the great masses that live within them. Each of the 50 states is appointed a number of delegates to the Electoral College based on population. When a candidate wins that state, he wins those votes. The first candidate to reach 270 gets four years of bad press and prematurely graying hair. This election method ensures that politics is kept somewhat local. (This is the simple version of the Electoral College; it gets a lot more interesting if you dig into the history books.)

527s: The evil spawn of tax code loopholes and partisan hacks. These groups are able to completely bypass campaign finance laws and raise unlimited sums of money from unlimited sources (current campaign finance laws restrict campaigns to certain amounts of money from certain sources), all in favor of specific agendas.

Most 527s take on the form of brief infomercials. Because these groups are influenced but not controlled by the campaigns they advocate for, the 527s are usually responsible for the campaign's dirty work. These organizations are the reason that every "official" political advertisement begins or ends with the phrase "I'm Johnnie Walnuts and I approve this ad."

Red States: Tax dodging racists and scary creationists inhabit these barren wastelands. Places such as Texas and Arkansas. Democrats don't do very well here at all. Personally, I'd blame Nascar, even peak oil couldn't stop Nascar.

Blue States: Vast expanses of urban blight and corruption, this is where all the freedom hating socialists that call themselves Democrats tend to live. Places such as California and New York. Republican candidates have a hard time competing in places like these. Blame Starbucks, there's one on every other street...or at least there was before the un-recession.

Swing States: These are the states that get all of the cool and innovative campaigning, like Robo-Calls and Push Polling, because they aren't solidly blue states or red states.

Robo-Call: Have you ever gotten a phone call detailing the incredible benefits of colonoscopy by a cold and unresponsive machine? Well imagine if that call was endorsed by a political party....that's a Robo-call.

Push Polling: Telemarketing disguised as a poll. As if either one wasn't a waste of your precious time..

Game Changer: Lazy and already cliché after only...5 months of use.

Wingnut: A pejorative term used to describe Republicans and conservatives on the extreme right fringe of the political spectrum. These are the types that wear tinfoil hats when they sleep to keep the UN thought reading machines from invading their dreams. You can't win an argument with a wingnut so don't even try, if they are losing an argument they simply turn up the volume until you're frustrated.

Moonbat: A pejorative term used to describe extreme leftists. These people include the lunatics in PETA, and the peaceniks that march in solidarity with Saddam Hussein and other despots. You can't win an argument with these folks either.

Undecided Voter: These folks simply don't exist, not at this stage in this election. If someone on television tells you they are an undecided voter, they are either:

A) Lying for more political swag to sell on eBay.

B) A closet racist who's clearly voting for Palin (that's right Palin not McCain) but doesn't want his drinking buddies to find out.

C) A freedom hating liberal, who pals around with terrorists in his spare time, when he's not distributing condoms to toddlers. This fellow doesn't want anyone to know in his church to know his true colors.

Celebrity Endorsements: These things mean nothing. No one really cares who Hollywood is voting for, as they are rich enough to be completely unaffected by presidential politics. Heck the only thing this election will determine for them is the security detail on their next European vacations.

Endorsements of Foreign officials and Celebrities: Means less than nothing. Foreign endorsements will actually have a negative effect. It doesn't even matter if the official is from a country we like. If James Bond drove through Main Street USA in a Rolls Royce giving out free Martini's and laser pointer pens to anyone who registers as a Democrat, Obama's polling numbers would crater. So please if you like one of our candidates, and you're not an American, for the love of God don't get on the news and endorse him! Osama Bin Laden understands this, that's why he's endorsing McCain, someone explain this to Boris Johnson.

Liberal Media Bias: much to the chagrin of the Right, most American news reporting is still fact Facts tend to be very hard things for the Right to accept, expect them to cry and complain about fact based reporting any time their poll numbers dip.

These, are just a few of the things that make up the "interesting" politics we have here in the States. (By interesting, I mean insane) If you have any comments or flames feel free. Better yet if you have any questions for an American ask away! Oh and that Randy fellow, he left the bar alone I'm way too much man to allow such nonsense to transpire. And he will likely leave many bars alone, as he's a lousy tipper. Women hate lousy tippers.

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